I’ve been putting off writing this post, for a very long time. Believe it or not, it was the first post I intended to put up, but it’s sat in my drafts for over a year. But I thought I ought to just bite the bullet and get it done.
I have Dyslexia. Saying this isn’t something that I’m ashamed of, nor is it something that I have never spoken about. In all honestly, I have talked about my journey with my learning disabilities, time and time again with my clients, if I need to provide an example of how to deal with a challenge or to draw parallels to their situations.
However, in this instance, it seems daunting. I think I’ve always known I’ve had a learning disability. In actuality, I have several. I have ADHD, Dyslexia, Dysgraphia and Dyscalculia – though the last two aren’t severe.
My Battle with Education
I remember being in primary school and having to stuff my ears with cotton because of the sensory overload I experienced. I remember when I switched schools in fourth grade, my issues became more pronounced and severe. I remember dreading spelling tests in school because no matter how much I studied, I knew I wouldn’t get more than one or two words spelt right.
I remember being tossed out of class because it was so difficult for me to sit still and would constantly be rocking my chair. I didn’t want to be made to stand outside, so I turned my hyperactive energy inwards, picking at my cuticles. I used to think that when my classmates asked me to spell a word and I got it wrong and we would all laugh, it was like a party trick.
During exams, I was given extra time, but I was instructed to write down my answers on graph paper and spent a significant amount of time counting the squares. Later as I moved to Dubai, and was in high school, I was allowed to use a laptop with spell check.
At some point in my life, I equated my learning disabilities with being stupid. Now logically I knew I wasn’t, but I felt like being different made me less than. In order to prove myself wrong – that I wasn’t stupid, less than – I wanted to be the best. Doing really well in school would mean that I had defied the odds – I remember being told by teachers when I was younger that maybe school wasn’t for me, that it would be too hard.
So I set off on a journey that spanned across continents, and over various degrees. I pushed and pushed and pushed myself to be the best.
By the time I was pursuing my Masters’ Degree, this drive reached critical mass. I HAD to be the best, I had to be at the top of my class. In my mind, my 9.20/10 GPA was never good enough. I pushed myself harder each day. Eventually, I was so stressed that I was having panic attacks.
The narrative in my head was, “I’m going to fail this exam.” When my closest friend asked me what that meant, I replied with a straight face, “I’ll get a B”. That was when I realized that my pursuit for perfection was not driven by getting a great job or wanting to get good grades for myself. Rather this mentality was motivated by the embarrassed little girl who lived within me, the one who was laughed at and thought she wasn’t good enough. What better way than to prove myself wrong? Be the best.
But it was having a negative impact on my mental health. I had to work through my own issues if I ever wanted to help clients with theirs. So I did. It took a while to realise where this drive was coming from. I honestly didn’t have any idea that it was tied to my insecurities about my learning disabilities. But once I was able to connect the dots and move past those fears and negative thoughts, I was liberated.
I still worked hard. I wanted to graduate 1st in my class. But now it was for me, not simply to prove a point. And I did. I graduated top of my class. But for the first time in my life, I was able to actually enjoy an academic accomplishment, rather than feeling it still wasn’t good enough.
My Greatest Fear Became My Greatest Joy
When I was young I had a really difficult time reading. I couldn’t really do it till I was 12. Before this, my mother or her sister used to read to me every night before bed. Through the stories and tales they spun, I was transported to worlds full of magic and adventure. Middle Earth, Narnia, Hogwarts, The Hundred Acre Wood and Wonderland were my home.
Most people with dyslexia, don’t enjoy reading – it can be very challenging for them. And at first, it was for me too. My mother likes to tell me that one day I just picked up a book and read it to myself because I didn’t want to have to listen to the story being read to my younger brother.
In many ways reading has shaped me into the person I am today. It has broadened my worldview, expanded my horizons, excited, broken my heart, taught me about love, duty and sacrifice. Reading has also helped me not allow my learning disabilities to control nor dictate my life.
Honestly, if there was a way I could get rid of my LDs, I wouldn’t. They may be a challenge, but they have also shaped me into who I am today. I am not where I am now, in spite of them, but rather because of them.
